How do you know if you’re straight or gay/les/bi? — I’m ASKING
This post & any subsequent comments is hereby rated NC(16) for homosexual content, for the sake of the conservatives out there.
Now this has nothing, ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with ANYBODY”s sex ed program. If you can’t read on and without thinking “OMG!! What are they teaching in schools today!” , then please do NOT read on.
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I’ve always been curious to ask, but somehow never got the opportunity to ask. Despite being able to talk about sexual health infront of hundreds, I can’t bring myself to ask these questions of many people, because it makes us all so awkward and uncomfortable!!! And I never get the truth anyway — to much social stigma!
You see, while i could easily get the standard definitions, that’s not what I want at all. I want REAL stories and REAL experiences. PEOPLE”s different lives and realities.
It just occurs to me however, that my blog takes anonymous comments, so there is the chance I might get honest answers here , since you can remain anonymous!
So, my questions are:
1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?
2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
3. For the Heterosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the SAME sex, and an UGLY member of the opposite sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
For the Homosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex, and an UGLY member of the SAME sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
For the Bis: Answer both the above please?
4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?
I’m really excited to read about personal stories and experiences — moral preachers, please go somewhere else, thank you.
I *MIGHT* answer these questions too —- if I do, you can be sure i’ll be one of the anonymous commenters! ; )
33 Responses
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1) I fell in love.
2)Normal, i say. I view as fellow human
3)There is no way i going to have sex with someone i don’t love
4)No
5)yah. I am who am I. i don’t wear any mask. The last question there is no way i can answer that in my lifetime.
i am straight. may i ask your sexual orientation?
There’s nothing to hide and nothing to feel uncomfortable about.
By the way, I think you need to refine your questions. I’m starting to write essay.
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1) How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?
==> I have no idea! I suppose it is a process.
==> When I was young, people define me as a boy. I suppose I automatically model after the adults (i.e. Men) since everybody defines me as a boy. From primary school some boys will ridicule some other boys as “sissy” or “homo”, I suppose from there I’m influenced to believe that boys should not behave effeminately.
Note: The definition of “homo” from my primary school days was simply effeminate behavior. I did not know there is such thing as anal sex and homosexual sex until people define it with army fighting language when I was 18 years old.
==> I also remember many times people will tell me boys should be like this, girls should be like that, etc.
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2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
==> What’s there to feel and view? Maybe you can give some examples for me to do multiple choice answer? I really don’t understand.
==> Since it is impossible to speak to all people. The only view I see is physical characteristics and then some “extrapolation” to the sexual. Male and female physical characteristics, quite well defined from a physical point of view.
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3. For the Heterosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the SAME sex, and an UGLY member of the opposite sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
==> I wouldn’t pick the same sex, and an ugly member of the opposite sex will simply kill appetite. If there is an uncontrollable need, I think “DIY” would have been better than forcing myself to choose between the two. How do you expect me (or anyone for that matter) to engage in sex if it is not pleasurable?
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4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
==> Never had any sexual experience or fantasy with same sex.
==> Opposite sex, yes! My wife lah.
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5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?
==> If people don’t know, and they ask, then I tell them, nothing to hide, but nothing to promote either.
==> As I’ve mentioned in (1), it was an interactive process over many years. Many many “boyish influence” instances from pre-school to army days. Also many many defining moments when girls take an interest in me and vice versa. And also possibly because I do not know about homosexuals comprehensively until recent times.
==> The picture of homosexuals presented to me until ~21 years old is that of weird, abnormal, undesirable. Since the normal inclination of a person is to avoid condemnation, I simply follow mainstream and there was (and is) much environmental encouragement to follow mainstream to the point that there is not even an inkling of thought for experimentation.
Asking random and anonymous people on the internet about their sexuality?
Not sure what that will accomplish. I think people should be open about themselves, sexuality is just another part of us.
I’ll just answer with some personal experience.
For some reason, I fell for a lesbian. She’s not conventionally pretty, but I was attracted, nonetheless. It was the most flattering rejection I ever received: “If you were the other sex, definitely”. I’ve been rejected before by straight girls (not everyone loves me, how shocking), so I can deal with rejection.
We’re still friends and I will not change her for the world. Of course, sometimes, I wish things were different. I should kick myself for still liking her a lot. I should move on with life.
I think it is clear that I accept homosexuals. I did not start that way, I was taught by society to hate them, not explicitly but subtly (gay used as an insult, homosexuality being used as THE example as that society was degenerating etc…). I took an interest in debate and it didn’t take long for me to realise that when it came to logic, the arguments were very one-sided. The homophobic side had no case. Rabid homophobics also seemed to be very obsessed and unhealthy about the whole issue. They kept going on and on about a vague and mysterious gay agenda. Presumably, it is to turn us all gay (impossible) or it is to make us accept homosexuality as normal (it is) and/or natural (doesn’t matter, and it’s more natural than religion).
P.S. I don’t know if you teach kids how to deal with rejection in sexuality education, but it is something that should be taught. Something along the lines of “It’s ok to feel sad, you deserve someone who loves you back” maybe? You can’t just teach them to say NO and not teach them to take no for an answer.
1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?
>> I have slept with women and men. I am sexually aroused by men but not women.
2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
>> I feel great to be gay. I think sexuality is personal but many people dun have a choice as sometimes environment forces them to be str8.
3. For the Homosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex, and an UGLY member of the SAME sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
>> i will pick a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex actually though I am 90% gay.
4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
>> I have sexual fantasies of both sexes, but again about 90% with guys and 10% with gers.
5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?
>> I think I am born gay but exposed to the str8 culture that gave me my 10% attraction to females. Anyway, i find that I tend to like females with big boobs hahahaha…
Since young I had always been more attracted to guys more than gers, so i kind of “figured out” at 8 that guys are supposed to fuck guys and gers are like for breeding?!?!?!? hahahahaha….
Hmmmm interesting. Keep them coming please. I’m listening.
Someone private messaged me, and I thought it was a very valid observation and so i’ll put it here (hope you don’t mind!!!) :
I was reading your blog earlier and something struck me as interesting. Sex! All of your questions about sexuality appeared to revolve around sex, as I read them. I then started to consider the other aspects that aren’t sex. I’m not suggesting that for one second that we choose a life partner without considering attraction and sex. but you didn’t ask about attraction, which surprised me. You mentioned sex. Which one would you have sex with. I, for example, find confidence very attractive. In males they are generally guys I like to hang out with. In females this may be someone I would like to be intimate with but it’s def someone I’d like to hand out with. I’d go so far as to say I’d pick someone who was acceptably physically attractive and very confident over someone who’s less confident and stunningly physically attractive. ten times out of ten.
1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?
Hmm i am str8 definitely. I gues ‘cos i’m attracted to men since young.
2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
Feels normal. For me, no difference between male and female. Unless i like a boy, otherwise all r frens to me.
3. For the Heterosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the SAME sex, and an UGLY member of the opposite sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
I agree wif the person above – the 1 i luv is more important. Cannot just sleep wif anyone la.
4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
Yes i had a crush on a sec 4 wen i was sec 2. Tt time was a bit confused until i read abt that it’s normal 2 have crush on a hero figure. Oso ‘cos i’m taller so i oways act as a guy figure to some smaller girls, but neber realli felt attracted to dem like to a guy.
5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?
Open how? 2 change? My orientation quite clear, no nid 2 say. But not tinking of tryin wif other girls.
1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?
I think I’m bisexual.
2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
I’m happy I’m bi I love guys and girls.
3. For the Heterosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the SAME sex, and an UGLY member of the opposite sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
I’d pick the same sex.
For the Homosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex, and an UGLY member of the SAME sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
I’d pick the opposite one.
4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
Fantasys about both guys and girls.
5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?
Yes I am I think it is good to be honest with your self and I think I’m bi mabey gay.
And here’s my reponse:
1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?
It was a gut instinct. Previously there was no such thing as Comprehensive Sexual Education. I just didn’t have the same kind of interest towards the opposite sex. I knew that I was homosexual as soon as puberty began.
2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
It feels normal, except that sexual orientation is obviously different. I feel towards the male sex as what a heterosexual man would feel towards women. Women make great friends!
3. For the Homosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex, and an UGLY member of the SAME sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
Er… ugly member of the same sex. Yuck to both.
4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
It’s always been the same sex.
5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?
My parents know. My boss knows. Most of my friends know. I don’t see a reason for hiding orientation. I’m just a human as the rest of the world.
I think God determined my sexual orientation. =)
Thanks everyone, for the replies, keep them coming
Just one short small observation/question:
I’ve noticed in quite a few responses, you all have put that
you feel “normal”/”like everyone else” etc…..
I’m just curious :
What does the normal person feel like?
Given that we’ve no way of KNOWING/ FEELING what other people feel, how does anyone even know what the normal person feels like?
When we say “normal” , does everyone refer to a unique, personal definition of “normal”?
1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?
I do not feel sexually inclined towards males, as opposed to females, and with females, I feel comfortable, more so than with males. I view the males in my life as only friends, and the closest they come to is being confidantes.
2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
When I come to know and like a female, I begin wondering what a future with her would be like. There is the concept of lifelong partnership, that I do not apply to male acquaintances.
I can be good friends with males, but the line stops there as I am not sexually stimulated by men having good builds etc, but am so with a svelte woman.
3. For the Homosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex, and an UGLY member of the SAME sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
I would say the ugly member of the same sex, since with the other I can only think of friendship.
4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
I have had fantasies about members of both sexes. I tend to focus more on the fantasy than the gender. But with the opposite sex, there have also been nightmares of rape which end in great fear.
5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?
I am out to my family, friends and some colleagues. I do not work to hide it, but neither do I announce it with a loudhailer. I think it is necessary for some colleagues to come to know more about who I am before they make the mistake of defining me by my sexual orientation.
Male friends need to know so that they know I am not available to them. And female friends need to know that I am gay because I do not want to seem like I have something to hide and my sexuality is something I am ashamed of, lest they think I fall for every single woman I meet.
For people to be comfortable with you, you first have to be comfortable with yourself.
I find it completely fascinating that NOBODY here was TAUGHT/encouraged/convinced to be homosexual or bisexual or heterosexual — except one case, CM who said social conditioning played a big part in shaping his sexuality. And it’s very interesting that in that ONE case, social conditioning has shaped him to be HETEROSEXUAL, not homosexual.
I wonder if in this case, we should be worried about an educational programmes that TEACH/encourage/persuade people to be heterosexuals ………..
ANOTHER PRIVATE MESSAGE COMMENT :
I’m physically attracted to guys with a certain physical look, and girls with a certain physical look. I’m physically repulsed by guys and girls who do not have that certain physical look, and the people I’m physically repulsed by make up the overwhelming majority. I’m not exaggerating when I say repulsed – I mean the “don’t touch me!! Repulsed!
But that’s just about physical , sexual attraction. Where if you act on that only, then people are merely sex objects. I think physically repulsive people can make wonderful platonic friends, and I definitely have good friends falling into this category. And similarly, I do know of people who are in the physically attractive category whom I never want to sleep with and never want a relationship with because of a whole host of other factors.
Where chemical/hormonal/ that “I’m on cloud9” “I can’t believe he smiled at me!1” kind of attraction goes, I”ve only ever felt this way with guys, not girls. I actually find a lot of girls scary.
And then we go on a whole different level where relationships are concerned. It’s really not enough to simply be physically / chemically attracted to be in a relationship is it? Necessary but insufficient conditions. Relationships requires one to take into account character, personality , commitment, etc etc etc ……. And much of this is quite gender neutral already.
In the end I came to the conclusion that sexual orientation doesn’t really matter already. If 2 people are in a relationship, and assuming that they’re not lying to each other or themselves, then what does it matter if they are straight/ gay / bi ? Just because they could potentially cheat on each other with 6 billion people as opposed to 3 billion people in this world doesn’t make things any worse or better?
I was simply stating events as it happened to me.
I’m sure most people will have some impression of their parents and immediate family telling them who are boys and who are girls when they are very young (i.e. definition).
Just recall, even at very young age, people will say boys to the boys’ toilet and girls to the girls’ toilet… And you do go to the toilet everyday in pre-school/school don’t you?
I’m really being honest and fair about it, because I seriously do not know what I will be if events played out differently.
“I wonder if in this case, we should be worried about an educational programmes that TEACH/encourage/persuade people to be heterosexuals ………..”
Really, try publicising this, as if the fire is not big enough now.
With regards to education, I stand by my statements.
http://mathialee.wordpress.com/2009/04/28/moe-ministry-of-education-statement-on-awares-cse-comprehensive-sexuality-education/#comment-1284
Give me good scientific information so that I can teach my children differently.
By the way, many did not answer properly (or did not answer at all) with regards to how their sexuality was shaped.
Since you brought up the issue about social conditioning, I hope people can volunteer their children for this very safe experiment.
http://mathialee.wordpress.com/2009/04/28/moe-ministry-of-education-statement-on-awares-cse-comprehensive-sexuality-education/#comment-1231
I will also need funding, infrastructure, isolated facilities and a whole community of homosexuals.
1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?
I feel it.
2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
I never felt sexually attracted to guys, although I had crushes on both sex, and I had a few boyfriends. I lost my virginity to a very good looking guy whom I thought I was very in love with. But after the first time, I felt very sick and I cried the whole day and the next day. I broke up with him
I find girls very sexually arousing, eg. When I brush their skin on the mrt or in the gym toilets. But because I also had crushes on guys too I wanted to be normal.
After that first experience, I got to know another guy who was also quite attractive in terms of looks. He was boasting that other girls said he was good in bed. So I tried with him even though he had a girlfriend. He said he would break up with his girlfriend for me. But I still felt very sick to have sex with him, even though I tried a few times. After that I broke up with him and he went back to his girlfriend.
3. For the Heterosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the SAME sex, and an UGLY member of the opposite sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
For the Homosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex, and an UGLY member of the SAME sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
For the Bis: Answer both the above please?
Only people I’m attracted to, of the same sex.
4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
Both sexes, but more of the same sex
5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?
Right now I am married. My husband loves me very much. I don’t dare to tell him I am not attracted to him for sex at all. I am trying to change. That day I went to the AWARE egm. I saw many lesbian women with a lot of courage, and it makes me also want to be like them. But I’m very confused because I also love my husband very much.
1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?
I am male and I am homosexual. Since young, I had always felt more attraction to other males (i.e. I feel interested in them, I prefer to look at them). However, I was confused for quite a while (all this happening in secondary school and junior college), thinking that I should have a girlfriend. While this ‘heterosexuality’ is not taught behaviour, I felt it came about as social conditioning (i.e. there are perceived norms for boys and girls to act; boys should have girlfriends and vice versa).
However, there was inherently a conflict within me: I always felt it strange that I did not feel more passionate about girls, and indeed, I felt little (or no) sexual attraction to girls. After all, I was undergoing puberty, and there should be some physical indication, but alas, my own body did not give me the go-ahead for girls, only for guys (how strange, I thought at that time!). Well, that was many years ago, and it was a slow journey of discovery.
2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
Since feeling comes naturally, this is rather difficult to articulate. As a homosexual, feeling homosexual *is* natural. But whether feeling homosexual is right/normal or wrong/abnormal, I think this depends on the background one has. The kind of upbringing, religion, family values etc., the social conditioning mentioned earlier, all are factors. For myself, I had the impression that boys go with girls. So, to feel a sexual attraction to other boys was indeed strange (but not repulsive or disgusting), since this goes against what we were conditioned to accept as normal/common. However, since my own family (English and dialect-speaking, not particularly religious [Taoist/ancestor-worshipping]) was not vehemently against homosexuality, I had never really felt I was abnormal in having sexual feelings for other boys.
However, I view both male and female people as people, mostly without any kind of sexual feelings. If I do have any sexual feelings, it would be towards males (of course). But just as heterosexuals do not necessarily have sexual feelings towards all members of the opposite sex, I do not have sexual feelings towards all members of the same sex, so most males are safe from my desires! Therefore, I view males as people who may have the potential to interest me sexually, while females are people who do not.
3. For the Homosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex, and an UGLY member of the SAME sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
Well, definitely the ugly member of the same sex. Sorry, ladies, gorgeous or not, my body has the veto.
4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
Of the same sex.
5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?
I am not open to my family and not at my workplace, but I am open to some selected friends. This is mainly a pragmatic decision in the personal/social sense. While my family is not particular anti-homosexuality, they are not exactly supportive or understanding either. However, I do not see it as a static situation, and I may become open in the future.
The decision to stay closeted was informed by several experiences of coming out to close friends. While some of my friends took it quite well (usually the girls), some did not, despite them not being particularly anti-homosexual. I attribute this partly to the social conditioning on my generation (that as well as no Internet at the time, and the low visibility of homosexuality in the public sphere). If people of my age and generation, who are forward-thinking in many other areas, cannot comprehend that I am homosexual (not by choice), what hopes of my parents and other elder relatives being understanding?
All that said, I believe that homosexuality is hard-wired (i.e. genetics plus environment), and not of choice per se. I am a biology graduate too, and I have read some of the science out there. Also, I am not from a broken home and a dysfunctional family, and I have no sisters, and I was not sexually abused as a child. So, what explains my homosexuality?
Mathia,
I have come to read more of your blog after following the link to your Aware CSE post.
Please don’t take this message the wrong way, but I am actually quite concerned that you are a CSE Trainer although – by your own admission – you have very little real-life experience with (homo/bi)sexuality. This raises some concerns because it leads one to question how Aware judges its Trainers qualified to conduct its programme, especially since the programme deals with such sensitive topics.
How would you have answered if a, say, 13 year old girl asked you whether the homosexual feelings she was experiencing towards her classmate were normal, and how she was supposed to cope with such feelings?
Again, please don’t construe this as an attack in any way, although I will understand if you choose not to answer this because it is not exactly on-topic. Thank you.
Hi Marcus
THanks for your concern. As I’ve said in the disclaimer, this post should not be interpreted in relation to the CSE.
Our CSE is based on facts — researched, established, documented facts. And we stick to these facts.
This particular post however, is not asking for facts. As i’ve stated in the post, I can easily get the documented facts. What I was interested in, for this particular post, are personal stories and feelings — for personal interest, as Mathia Lee, the person, not the CSE trainer.
I believe educational instructors have a responsibility and obligation to base classes on facts and prescribed curriculum, rather than personal experiences which is highly variable and subjective (as you can tell from the responses here for example). I’ve both straight/gay/les/bi friends, and I love them all, but I wouldn’t say in class “I’ve all these friends and so I can tell you that they’re all nice people” — that would already be imposing my own opinion. Where values/experiences are concerned I usually like to ask —- Who has gay/straight etc friends? What are they like? —- The diversity of student responses usually speak for itself — that there are both nice and horrible people irregardless of sexual orientation. Now this is an example. Depending on the concerns of the students, I might approach other topics, even things like “What do you think of boyfriends who don’t let you talk to another boy?” , and I do so in like manner.
For your question about the 13 year old girl.
Our advice for ANY personal problems that a particular student might bring up, whether with regards to homosexuality or anything else, is this —- Please talk to someone who can give you good advice. We usually suggest the school counsellor, or else a hotline like SOS or AWARE’s hotline where they can refer the girl to a private counsellor as they deem fit.
It is actually very dangerous to dish out personal advice.
General advice given out to the whole class is one thing — it’s like the general nutritional advice you give people : eat more vegetables, fibre prevents constipation.
Specific, personal advice is completely different. If someone came up to you and said, “I have constipation, what should I do? Eat more vegetables? ”
It would be very dangerous and irresponsible to actually advise this person to simply “eat more vegetables”
Because, on a personal level, his constipation may be due to so many reasons, and the lack of vegetables may have nothing to with it — he might have some serious medical condition!
The only responsible advice to give to this person is “Please go see a doctor soon”
In the same way, when a 13-year old girl comes up to you with a simple question like what you are posing, it is very dangerous to dish out simplistic advice because you have NO idea what’s the history and context. It is very important for a qualified counsellor to address her concerns in detail, and with absolute confidentiality. As a trainer, who cannot go into such detailed counselling because we’re not supposed to, and have no time to, the only advice is “Go talk to a trusted counsellor (not just your friends) as soon as possible”
And I hope that everyone reading this will also bear this is mind when a friend or a child or teen approaches you with such questions — whether it’s because you are a teacher, a religious leader, or even a parent. I know it causes some discomfort when I include parents in this list. But the fact is, children often want to meet up to parental expectations, and in this desire to, they will hide the key and most important facts from parents, in order to retain their approval. I would suggest parents bear this in mind, and allow their children to speak with a professional, trusted counsellor, in private.
Marcus, thanks for raising this. In fact, because it is very common and very important, I am putting this up as a post by itself.
Hi Mathia,
Thank you for responding. I thought yours was a very good answer.
Perhaps we can discuss more issues in future
Hi Marcus
Thanks, that would be nice, am looking forward to discussing more = )
ANOTHER PRIVATE MESSAGE:
I am for all intents and purposes straight — although I have fancied a very small number of women in my life, and probably prefer a very attractive woman over a very unattractive man. I suspect social conditioning played some role in this in terms of bolstering my already existing preference for boys/men because it was easier to see any attraction becoming mutual. (The only girls I’ve fancied have been, to my knowledge, straight, and at least one was quite homophobic, so it would have been a total no-go.) So while I describe myself as straight and am generally much more attracted to men, I believe I am attracted to people, not gender, so my feeling about possible relationships/sex with women is very much “Who knows – maybe the right one could come along”. (Except I’m in a monogamous long-term relationship of course!)
As for how open I am about this, if someone asked me in person I’d probably admit to having been bicurious, but because I have zero experience with women it seems a bit of an affectation to say so and I just don’t bring the subject up. (I also think I used to be mildly genderqueer because I used to insist on wearing boys’ clothes, but eventually I gave in to being more femme just because it was socially so much easier.) That said, I’m not about to post this in a comment on the Internet except anonymously, because I think people would just strip out all the nuances, so I just simplify into saying I’m straight, which is about 90% true anyway.
1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual)?
I am bi. Since I was young I’ve felt attraction to girls and guys… maybe guys more than girls sometimes, but it’s hard to say. Throughout my life up till recently I’ve felt a lot of social pressure to be “straight”, so I would suppress the attraction I feel towards women. Gradually after talking to friends (lesbians, bisexuals) about sexuality I realised it’s okay to be bi and sort of “came out”.
2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
I don’t know how to describe how it feels. It is just natural to me, the feelings and reactions are just instinctual. I am only attracted to specific types of men and women, the rest of them are just unattractive and doesn’t inspire any desire at all.
3. For the Heterosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the SAME sex, and an UGLY member of the opposite sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
For the Homosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex, and an UGLY member of the SAME sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
For the Bis: Answer both the above please?
It depends how you define “gorgeous” or “ugly”, since I find what’s regarded as “hot” by many people (mainstream media) to be ugly to me. I would pick the gorgeous one that appeals to me, regardless of sex. Or even if they were intersex/transgender, it doesn’t matter to me. I think sexiness is in the mind.
4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy (which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
As a bi woman, both, although fantasies with guys were more often. I think social conditioning to be straight played a big part. For the most part I fantasize about androgynous-looking men. I’ve had romantic and sexual feelings for girls but no experience because I’ve repressed it out of the pressure to be straight. So I’ve only acted on “straight” impulses and have relationships/sexual experiences with men so far.
5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?
I have only recently “come out” to being bi after about 3-4 years of soul searching. I got into a heterosexual relationship but there were times I’d feel attraction to girls which led to a lot of confusion and strife internally… then I met someone (a woman) whom I became attracted to physically and emotionally… I wanted to care for her and be with her. It was really confusing. In the end I realised I was bi and that throughout my upbringing I was just shaped into being “straight” by continual repressing of homosexual feelings. Looking back there were incidents and signs all over that I like both sexes. I don’t know what determined my orientation, nature probably? Why do some people like sweet foods and why some like savory foods?
“Give me good scientific information so that I can teach my children differently.”
you have a right to teach your child in anyway you like
and you’ve the responsibility to determine what’s really best for your child
we can only show you the what other’s have experienced or found out
“you have a right to teach your child in anyway you like”
That’s the problem isn’t it?
If go mainstream, the pro-camp say it’s teaching them to discriminate and condemn. Everybody in the family would be teaching them mainstream. Here’s a chance to make a difference.
I’m leaving it open and being open-minded about it now because there are still some years to go before I teach them on sexuality matters. Not many parents would be that accommodating.
i might be wrong
But sometimes i feel that parents are using their children as a pawn
a pawn to make themselves look good
a pawn to make themselves feel like a success
a pawn to get themselves one up over others
when people feel like they have to challenge others about how children ought to be treated/taught. when people try to impose on others what should be done for their children, when people try to get me to come up with a better arguement to convince them, I wonder why?
If you loved your child, and truly cared about how your child felt, does it matter whether or not my arguement was convincin? does it matter how other children are being taught? does it matter what society thinks and whether your child is marginal or mainstream?
When would parents stop listening to others, stop giving their children advice for once, and start listening to what their child really feels and needs?
There are a lot of hits and misses being a parent because it is totally experimental.
Everybody has their say about raising and teaching children. Grandparents have one version, relatives have another version, friends have their own version.
Depending on the child’s character and personality, certain things work and certain things do not work. So a responsible parent needs to gather as much information as possible to try and try and try.
If the purpose of education is to move society forward, then it matters to know how society thinks. It matters to know how other children are being taught.
Listening to the child is PART of the whole package. But at the same time, parents need to be knowledgeable in order to provide the child with answers.
Right now, the issue is on knowledge, not about the WHOLE package of parenting.
As an analogy – you can’t tell the child the world is flat when he/she tells you the school teaches them the world is round.
I am really touched at the responses people have made here in response to my question. Most are strangers who do not know me, but have honored me by being so open and sharing here.
I’m especially touched by the raw emotion that people have expressed here.
It assures me once again, that sexuality is not merely about the act, and neither is it about law and morality.
It goes so much deeper, it’s so fundamental to a person’s being.
I usually allow every comment made. But for once, I’m going to regulate the comments here, out of respect for everyone who has bared themselves out here, who have chosen to be so open about their feelings.
From here on, I will only allow comments that share their own experience and feelings.
I will not be publishing any comments that somehow criticise or make judgement on any of the feelings that has been shared here.
I believe feelings are sacrosanct. You feel it or you do not. There’s no such thing as a right or wrong feeling. There’s only honesty or denial.
I believe that the biggest thing we can do for another person is to treat their feelings with respect, and care.
1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?
Guess I am 90+% heterosexual, since I’m female and am sexually aroused by some men’s natural smell. And I enjoy penile penetrative intercourse with my loved one.
I may be mildly bisexual. I don’t particularly find the typical “good-looking” men attractive (i.e. captures my eyeballs). I find it easier to find a “good-looking” woman attractive (i.e. captures my eyeballs) and am very fond of a few women. But never been physically intimate with a lady.
I also find my own naked reflection titillating. Not sure if it is any indication of sexual orientation, or just plain narcissism, ha ha.
2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
I have the same queries as commentator #2 “CM said, on May 6, 2009 at 5:30 pm” above. I may not understand what you mean by *FEEL*.
For me, I think I’m in love when I think about the person a lot, I enjoy being with the person, want to share with him about the events in my life and my thoughts/feelings, and I want to listen about the events in his life and his thoughts/feelings. Finally sharing ourselves physically is part of our expression of trust, love and mutual pleasure.
Socially, I do not view male or female people differently. I think of people as a collection of their behaviours, thoughts and their values, thus I am often “blind” to their physical attributes. Only very few with whom I click mentally progress to the feeling of love. From past experience, the progression is usually initiated by a physical/verbal “move” my male partner.
Regardless of gender or age, I give generic, non-erotic, physical hugs as an expression of my generic love where socially acceptable.
3. For the Heterosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the SAME sex, and an UGLY member of the opposite sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
For the Homosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex, and an UGLY member of the SAME sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
For the Bis: Answer both the above please?
If I don’t click mentally and progress to the feeling of love with the person, I don’t think I will have sex with either (male or female, gorgeous or ugly is irrelevant). I would rather masturbate if I feel a need to satisfy my “urge”.
4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
100% sexual experience is with opposite sex.
In conscious fantasies (e.g. masturbation), about 90% of the time it is with the opposite sex. However in dreams, the ratio of opposite : same sex while still predominantly heterosexual, is not as high as in conscious fantasies. One of the reasons why I think I may be a latent bisexual.
5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientation?
I usually say I’m heterosexual. Its for simplicity, since it reflects my actual physical experience and 90% of my mental experience. I have never discussed openly about my latent bisexuality, except once with a bisexual who asked me directly and who was also unsure about her own sexuality. I was more honest in the 2nd situation because I trust the person to keep matters confidential, she wasn’t “hitting-on” me and I wasn’t concerned about having to explain my sexuality.
I don’t know what determines my real sexual orientation, since I am not even 100% sure of my real sexual orientation. I read one of Yawning Bread’s articles with amusement because it wrote that research shows “macho” gays (males) had more exposure to testosterone as a foetus, resulting in their ring finger being longer than their index finger. Hey, I’m a female, yet my ring fingers are both longer than the corresponding index fingers. Similarly my 4th toes are disproportionately tall, although not taller than the corresponding 2nd toes.
For my practised sexuality (i.e. hetero), I think it is mainly to do my sensory stimulation together with the social norms (i.e. more males hit on me than females) and media exposure. But mainly, I am actually pretty happy with just masturbation with inanimate objects. (Would that be asexual? Just kidding!)
I am the same “Mostly-hetero, on May 15, 2009 at 2:09 pm”.
Just to add, I am hitting middle-age. I think my “not-100%-defined” sexuality (overtly hetero, latent bisexual) makes life interesting.
1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?
I’m female and as I was growing up I thought, like all my friends, I was going to fall in love with a guy. When I finally had my first crush, the person was a girl.. and so were the ones that followed subsequently.. I was confused for quite a while, but by the time I was 15 or so, I came to acknowledge that I was gay..
2. How does it FEEL(re sexual feelings) to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?
It feels natural to be homosexual for me.. I’ve never felt otherwise in the 27 years of my life..
I don’t veiw male and female very differently.. Although I have only developed platonic relationship with men so far. I have never met a guy that I can connect emotionally to or I felt sexually attracted to YET. I don’t believe in absolutisim, so as much as I don’t see it happening anytime in the near future, but well, we never know.. =)
3. For the Homosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex, and an UGLY member of the SAME sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?
If I have a choice, I won’t pick either one!
But, if there isn’t a choice, I guess I’d have to go with the gorgegous opposite sex.. sounds a little shallow, but if it just sex without love, I guess I’d rather go with someone that pleases the eyes..
4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?) about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )
Sexual experience with only the same sex.
fantasy with both sexes, but with the guys it’s mostly out of curiosity whether heterosexual sex would be worse/same/better than with the same sex.
5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?
I don’t hide about my sexual orientation, but I don’t scream into a loudhailer declaring it either. If people find out, that’s fine by me and if people ask, I’d be honest about it.. =)
1. I am bisexual…it just the way you are..I like guys and I like girls. Its just who you fall for, it doesn’t matter the gender. i’m still slightly confused because I have only known about a year and at first it was hard for me to accept because I had always heard that lesbians etc. were wrong
2. I view males and females the same way, some are just friends and some make my heart start pounding. I find them both attractive.
3 for both questions it would seriously be decided by how attracted I am to them..just because they’re gorgous doesn’t mean I like them, attraction is a whole lot deeper than that. and I agree with that email..its about a whole lot more than sex.
4. I’ve had fantasies about both.
5.I don’t go around telling people that I am but I will confirm any rumour that someones heard bout me if its true. my myspace profile is set on bi and most my friends know and accept it so I don’t really care who else does..its just who I am.
1. Well I’m 19 and have been slowly etching away at my SO. I do hold some confusing feelings for some males I meet, but at the same time I find women far more attractive although I live with 3 of them.
2. Same as what the people before me say, I view both equally. Everyone I meet everyday is a human.
But my emotions sway back and forth, I sometimes find guys attractives, but after coming off a relationship with a woman I loved deeply, I would have to say my heart is for women down the road.
3.
a. I’d pick a vagina over a penis anyday. You can be more creative when with a woman. But since she’d be ugly that is what bags are for.
b. Definitely the opposite sex. Sure I was taught to be straight (somewhat) it would only be natural. To me seeing an attractive woman most of the time relays a signal to my brain to take action. But being what I am, I am a shy one.
4. I’ve had numerous of dreams of females and some of males. But as of late it’s been 50/50. And the SO I see myself as is, 55% straight, 30% bi, 15% gay.
5. I have been open with others about I view of my SO. But no one to me really took me seriously. So I try to keep it on the low. And how I see my SO…….. I find it natural although my slight attraction towards other guys is somewhat disappointing because of my hard work trying to only chase skirts.