Mentors
We are constantly getting inputs from people around us:
Negative inputs — The wet blankets who tell us its not going to work, the ones who yell at us, the ones who dismiss us, the ones who criticise us, the ones who accuse us, the ones who give “constructive advice”, the ones who laugh
Positive inputs — People who encourage us, people who admire us, people who tell us we’ve been helpful or useful, people who depend on us, people who give us good advice on what we’re doing right and where we can improve, people who advice us on what we need to do etc
Environmental inputs — inputs not given to us directly, but our observations of how people behave, how situations proceed etc
How do we discern and decide, which of these negative and positive and environemental inputs do we want to incorporate into our plans going forward?
People give inputs for so many reasons:
- we asked for it
- they experienced/read something, and from that personal limited experience/ reading, they want to help us
- they see us doing something, and they have had experience and want to help us
- they have a common goal with us, and want to collaborate
- they think they have a common goal with us, and want to collaborate
- they have a personality type where they need to impose their ideas on others
- they want something out of us, and their inputs are an attempt to get us to give them what they want
- they are nasty , they want to hurt us
- they are nasty, they just want to let their nastiness out at whoever is around them
- they are nasty, they’re just concerned about themselves and treat us carelessly
- they are just expressing some thought, and haven’t given it much real thought at all (i do that alot!!!)
- they are expressing something, to help us or impose on us, because they have a personal value they believe everyone should have
- etc etc
Being able to read people and discern where they are coming from, I feel, is a very important criteria for deciding what to do with their inputs. eg. A person who tells you sex is nasty and you ought to stay away, could be telling you that because he was raped repeatedly as a child. A person who tells you sex is great and you ought to try it , could be telling you that because he wants to get into your pants. etc.
It’s futile, I’ve come to learn, to be mad or upset , or to have emotional reactions towards others or their behavior, because I’ve come to recognise that everyone has a different personality, a different nature. And in the jungle, you have to work with snakes and wolfs and rabbits and sheep and elephants etc. And you can’t blame or get angry or upset or stressed when a snake hisses at you or a wolf wants to eat you or a sheep just can’t do anything without its sheppard. They cannot help their nature. We just have to know what animal we are, what animal they are, so that we know what to do when we meet them and interact with them.
But that said, just because their angle doesn’t make them credible, or just because their angle makes them credible, doesn’t mean their inputs ought to be considered/dismissed, because their values, goals, abilities, resources, situation might be very different from yours. These inputs are not just from people we meet personally, but also from books and movies etc —- we are getting the author’s inputs, and the author came from a certain angle.
Given that we don’t know everything and should therefore seek the inputs of others, we need to learn how to assess both the inputs, and how it fits/does not fit , into our unique situation. When someone gives an input, how do we tell what are facts, what are opinions, and how i should interpret these opinions. If a person tells you something is green, but he is viewing it under red light, what color is that something really?
I suppose I would like to have a mentor. Someone who can assess and advice me on the way I assess these inputs and incorporate them into my plans, for my specific goals, based on what starting material I have. Might be quite similar to sports coaches, where they know where you’re heading, can assess what strengths and weaknesses you have and to what extent, and can input on the inputs of others….. different points of views…. Or in a lab situation, with a good lead scientist, he would be able to do the same.
So I’ll really like to have someone whom I can look to as a mentor
Are mentors the same as friends ? Friends are definately essential, and I treasure my friends so much. To a certain extent, each of my friends is a mentor in a certain, particular aspect. Perhaps in the real world, that’s all we’re really going to get, because no one person can be a mentor in every single aspect. And more importantly, i need my friends so much, it means so much to have someone who still loves you when you screw up.
Don’t worry about Singaporeans. We all have a mentor – our Minister Mentor who at age 86 still tells us what is right and wrong. See his result of mentoring our mninisters.
I think the problem with mentoring is it constrain the young people to think in a certain box and within a logical framework. I try not to mentor my juniors too much, I let them make their own mistakes and discoveries…only when they do something hazardous or has serious consequences, then I stop them. Otherwise, I would give them the space to make some of the mistakes I made. …and sometimes you get great surprises.
I always prefer guiding people ‘lightly’…you will get stronger more independent people later on.
Mathia,
After reading this blog-post, I do not think you need a mentor for what you seek.
However, for some other matters, it would benefit you to look for “specialised” mentors. For example, to be a better scientist, you would go to a certain mentor. And to be a better cook, you go to another mentor. Etc.
Joe Lee,
Your negativity is quite apparent.
Mentoring does not constrain the mind in a box. Your preference for guiding people “lightly” is a constrain by itself. Mentoring is very straining work. What you do is not mentoring.
By the way, the title of “Minister Mentor” is just for him to be able to stick around, maybe give him some authority/power. Why take a dig at him?
CM,
Can you say what mentoring is? …What does one do when mentoring?
What one does when mentoring depends on the mentee. It also depends on what the mentor wishes to achieve. It is really a two-way process in real-world situations.
The mentor determines the most effective/impactful course of action/advice subject to the attitude, capability and potential of the mentee.
“…prefer to guide people lightly…” is a convenient system. It is not mentoring.
“The mentor determines the most effective/impactful course ”
Hmmmm that’s not mentoring, IMO; that’s being a Director.
I’m not saying being a Director is bad; in certain situations, a Director is needed, its not mentoring and not what i’m looking for.
A Director is a lot like a parent, giving the child directions and instructions
A Mentor is more like a grandparent, telling the child stories of how the world works, what they have been through, and helping the child discover his own qualities.
A Director narrows down one’s options; a Mentor opens up new possibilities.
“Hmmmm that’s not mentoring, IMO; that’s being a Director.”
You are being constrained in your thinking.
“A Mentor is more like a grandparent, telling the child stories of how the world works, what they have been through, and helping the child discover his own qualities.”
If a grandparent tells boring stories, no matter how good the intention is, the child won’t be listening half the time. That is certainly not an effective course of action.
You are being bogged down by definitions and conventions (or rather non-conventional conventions). That is most unfortunate.
“A Director narrows down one’s options; a Mentor opens up new possibilities.”
What then do you make of someone who narrows down one’s options in order to open up new possibilities?
Seems like you are looking for a perfect system instead of a mentor.
BTW, CM, you said “After reading this blog-post, I do not think you need a mentor for what you seek.”
Just out of curiousity, what have you presumed I was seeking?
There was a period in my life when I kept seeking for mentors too. Not saying it’s necessarily the same experience as what you’re growing through, but I soon grew out of it. Growing through. Haha.
Mathia,
I too need a mentor to figure out what women want. Men are more straightforward, they want s_x ….women?
“It’s futile, I’ve come to learn, to be mad or upset , or to have emotional reactions towards others or their behavior, because I’ve come to recognise that everyone has a different personality, a different nature.”
“I suppose I would like to have a mentor. Someone who can assess and advice me on the way I assess these inputs and incorporate them into my plans, for my specific goals, based on what starting material I have.”
Although you may not admit it, what you are looking/searching for is something absolute, a perfect system.
I think you will be stuck in this predicament for quite a while.
While the ideal/perfection might never be reached, why should anyone set one’s goal at any less than that?
Mathia,
I read through your whole blog – I can’t imagine anyone qualified to mentor you.
I think you need to get real. You are too smart to be mentored. You are the type who will find your own way. Your mentors will just tell you your goals are to high etc – having mentors will only limit you. Mathia, you should just go where you want to go, do what you want to do and achieve what you set out to achieve. After that Mathia Lee can mentor others – the ‘others’ who need mentoring.
Hehe Joe Lee …… Thanks for your compliments, but I think your impression of me is too high lah!! undeserved lah!! everyone is good in some ways and everyone has ways that can grow……
“While the ideal/perfection might never be reached, why should anyone set one’s goal at any less than that?”
Exactly. Why should anyone set one’s goal at less than that? Now who is telling that to you? Is it yourself?
I’m wondering whether you are reading too much into a simple observation.
Interesting, Joe Lee’s idea of mentors seem to be Mathia’s idea of directors.
I don’t think in life, you need a specific someone to mentor you. Everyone’s life is different. One thing that we must learn for ourselves is identifying the lessons from a situation. Which also means we can actually learn things from anyone and/or from life itself.
A good mentor has a following of mentees, while a true mentor produces new mentors.
A good teacher has a following of students, while a true teacher produces new teachers.