freedom of expressing
What if your friend turned around to say “I love you” today? How would you react?
The “Saying I love you” thing is an interesting concept, and I was just thinking about it, but more in the context of boss-staff relations (not relationships) in a cross-cultural context. Building upon Malcom Gladwell’s idea that in Asia, staff speak to bosses very deferentially, and western bosses might read that as a lack of confidence and being uncontributive. Conversely, from my own experience, I’ve seen asian bosses view western staff as rude/insurbordinate. Western staff also tend to think of asian bosses as rude, because most are not used to authoritarian communication from superiors. Asian staff love western bosses generally, believing them to be kind, when in fact, it might just be an extension of how bosses communicate politely in their culture. Perhaps a parallel can be drawn with romantic relationships within the asian, western, or cross-cultural context.
I find it interesting how in English, the word “love” is so applicable in so many contexts, that sometimes, it’s hard to understand what people mean. “I love chicken”. “I love children” . “I love dogs”. Means nothing in itself, does it? One must understand the cultural context in which these English sentences are uttered. Is this person saying the sentence a vegetarian? A cannibal? A blonde paris Hilton who needs a dog to accessorize? A person in korea where dog meat is a common delicacy? In Chinese though, there’s so many words, each for a different situation. There’s ai4 qing2 – romantic love. There’s you2 qing2 – friendship love. There’s qin1 qing2 – familial love. There’s jie-mei qing, which makes it so much easier for me to understand if a girl is telling me she’s a lesbian hitting on me, or if she treats me like her sister.
In this day and age of so much cross-culturalism, clarity in communication becomes all the more important. If I were speaking to a girl who comes from a traditional, conservative village where holding hands and saying “I love you” would always be taken to be sisterly because being a lesbian is too radical to conceive, then I know what I need to say to her to make her understand. On the other hand, if I were speaking to girl from San Francisco, I really need to make my meaning clear, because saying “I love you” could mean either things and so is not really saying anything at all….. It’s easy to be clear when one is speaking to another person from another culture. It becomes difficult though, when you’re in a place like Singapore, and you’re a Singaporean speaking to another Singaporean. Because there is just so much diversity amongst Singaporeans, you never know if you’re speaking to someone from the liberal, conservative, etc circles, and hence you never really know how you’ll actually be heard. Saying “I love you” to a girl at a lesbian bar and saying “I love you” to a girl at church will be heard in 2 completely different ways, if I don’t say anything else. Saying “I love you” to a girl at AWARE or SHM would be superbly confusing.
I think another aspect of saying things, is not just about whether I want to say it. Does one also need to consider if the listener wants to hear it? Part of medical ethics is this. The patient has the right to tell the doctor that he doesn’t want to hear the truth about his medical condition. The patient actually can sue the doctor (for trauma/distress??) if the doctor tells him nasty news about his cancer prognosis after he said he doesn’t want to hear. And the doctor is actually obliged to ask the patient if the doctor should be relaying info directly to the patient or to the family instead. Extending this principle beyond the clinic, would there be similar situations?
I suppose one’s philosophy towards language would come into play a lot here? Some people take the view that the primary role of language is to express how we feel or think. Some people are of the view that language is primarily there to affect the other person’s thinking or behaviour. Yet others believe that language enables us to tell each other what to do. In my postmodern circle of Christian friends, we talk about how language is a form of violence. Language enables us to shape another person’s world without his permission or even his knowledge at all! The classic example to use would be evangelism/proselytising, I suppose. “God loves you” “We love you” “we hate the sin but love the sinner” “I love you, I want to save your soul” “I love you, I want you to be saved, believe me!” “I love you because God first loved me” “I love you because the bible tells me to” “I love you, how dare you treat me this way” “I love these people, I want to do things to save their souls, I don’t want to waste time doing things that won’t save them” “I love you, I won’t ever let you go” “I love you, and so I’ll let you go” …… we’ve heard it all before, haven’t we? One thing I’ve learnt from institutional religion, which is also the reason why I run from it (though I’m a Christian) is how much emphasis is put on the speaker, rather than the listener. If the speaker speaks these words, who feels better? The speaker or the listener?
Ah well! Here I am, committing that very crime! Saying so much from just one small point (omg! Don’t think so much lah! , my best friend would say) =)
I support freedom of expression as long as no one was hurt due to this freedom.
Many children of chinese parents never hear their parents say “I love you” to them. But I think it is more a cultural thing than what really goes on in the heart. An asian father may just be uncomfortable saying that but he loves his child as much as anyone. I deal a lot with ang mohs – one of my seniors thought me something …I don’t know if you have heard of this Ang Moh = soft on the outside hard on the inside…..Asian (Chinese) hard on the outside soft on the inside.
Sometimes within 2 hours of meeting an ang moh (especially Americans from the West coast) the feller so nice he is like your brother, best friend, buddy etc…but I’ve been warned he may be wait to XXX you later – the exterior soft projection tells you nothing about what is going on in his heart.
You know that clinche ‘you cannot judge a book by its cover’. One of my life lessons was to learn how true this is.
Hi Joe,
Totally agree with you.
A volunteer at a pets care centre could be a eater of dog-meat.
[...] Life, the universe and everything – Mathia Lee: freedom of expressing [...]
My thoughts are that language and philosophy/culture is inseparable. Our adopting the English language brings with it the cultural environment in which it was forged.
This can cause confusion and conflict with our innate nature as Asians.
Agree with singaporeatheist too.
Something to add on:
Besides verbal and written, there’s unspoken Language. Eg. body language and facial expression. Behaviour is also a language.
Everyone SHOULD and MUST BE entitled to their freedom of expression. However, in every culture, country or society, everyone must accept that any freedom of expression could possibly come with consequences.
Alot of times, people always pushed for freedom of expression but not wanting to accept responsibility of consequences. The fact is that in every society or culture, there are norms and there are just things that are not accepted widely. Some would think that freedom of expression comes with the fact that people must accept what you say. Giving you the freedom to express does not mean they give you recognition and acceptance of what you say.
I myself am a firm believer of freedom of expression, whether in my life, words, art or music. But I also fully believe that in the process of articulating what I believe, especially in opinions that are contrary to the norms, I am also fully prepared for repercussions and backlashes.
But most people wants to speak their mind but whines about it when other people criticise them or do not accept their opinions. That to me is the biggest problem in advocating freedom of speech.
Often, I find that the people who say ‘Don’t think so much’ are themselves guilty of not thinking enough – or not at all, even.
Keep thinking. We need more people like you around.
First of all, I love you Mathia.
Secondly, JoeLee above wrote:
“Sometimes within 2 hours of meeting an ang moh (especially Americans from the West coast) the feller so nice he is like your brother, best friend, buddy etc…but I’ve been warned he may be wait to XXX you later – the exterior soft projection tells you nothing about what is going on in his heart.”
That may be true.
But what got me thinking when I read this, is that it sounds astonishingly similar to the “inscrutable Chinese” cliche. The fact that this nugget originated from an ang moh not withstanding, is it possible that this is more a matter of in-group vs out-group comparison, rather than genuine west vs east comparisons?
Perhaps to a westerner, Asians may often seem friendly and compliant in person, but XXX you later (this is indeed a prevalent cliche in business circles, I believe). Perhaps when such incidents occur, they are readily ascribed to the person’s culture rather than their individual personality.
Social psychology proposes that when we are dealing with someone from an out-group (eg another culture) we ascribe their negative actions to their group (and here I see being “hard on the inside” as a pretty big negative), whereas when we see the same behaviour from our ingroup, we attribute it to individual differences/personality, or the circumstances.
As a result, differences between cultures become exaggerated.
I say this strongly believing there are big differences between cultures. It’s an interesting and for some, a politically uncomfortable discussion when you try to figure them out
hey i love you too karen =D
It’s interesting that you said “when we are dealing with someone from an out-group we ascribe their negative actions to their group”, because as I was reading your earlier paragraphs before that sentence, i was just thinking if problems arise because we tend to interpret actions in the best possible way.
For eg. in my experience/observations, when we are dealing with people within our cultures, we know when a person is being nice, and when a person is just articulating the expected polite pleasantries. When a person is being nice, we have certain expectations of him, and expect him to continue being nice. When a person is being polite, we don’t have those expectations of him, and we remain cautious as he may or may not treat us nicely in future.
When we are dealing with someone outside our culture, we have no idea how someone in that foreign culture would behave as a nice person or simply out of politeness. All we can do is use our own cultural history and experience to interpret his actions.
As a result, we may believe a foreign person is being nice, when he is merely being polite. And when he does something to the contrary of your expectations of a “nice” person later, you feel like he has XXX-ed you.
A friend from my old lab once related this experience to me.
He’s irish, and he was leaving Sg to return home. Another colleague was a Chinese National. The Chinese wanted to give the Irish a dinner treat before he left for home.
The Irish had a very good first serving, and was about to finish all the food ordered, when the Chinese ordered a second round of food. Being the good Irishman he was, and remembering how his mother had told him it was rude to not finish any food your host offered you, he made sure he finished the second serving. Just as he was nearly finishing, the Chinese man ordered a third round, because a good Chinese host has to ensure an overwhelming amount of food was leftover. Both of them, interpreting each other’s actions from their own cultural background, were quietly suffering! One from indigestion, the other from a burnt hole in the pocket. I can’t remember how it ended, but the Irish man didn’t realise what was going on till he told me and i explained later!
I don’t think the Irish man gave the Chinese man a treat in return, but imagine what would have happened! The Irish man would think the Chinese man rude for not even finishing the first round of orders, when he had struggled so hard previously to ensure he had! And the Chinese man would think the Irish man XXX-ed him by stinging on food, and not even ordering enough, when previously he had been so painfully generous!
It’s a hilarious story that we still laugh about today.
I’m sure more serious mis-interpretations happen at work and in relationships with far greater consequence. And just to add some “cheem” flavour in my response, how hilarious the way we interpret religious texts and stories written in such an alien, ancient culture, ignorant of the culture then, and making comments like we’re some authority! ; )
Peace to all,
There can be only one true God, one true religion. Whle the matter of differences in will be settled with our Creator on the Day of Judgement, we must stand by our beliefs to which we will be answerable to you, other humans and the creator of humans one day. I do not accept the idea of common ground just to please believers of other beliefs. Action and belief come in pair. one. without the other is faulty. Buying into a belief is like choosing a husband you choose one true love and act on it by chasing after him. You cant be pursuing to many future husbands at the same time. You cant please all your friends if you have already the true choicest one among them You can be bnice to them but your commitment is to one truthful husband. Any acts to overplease other unselected boyfriends will be an exercise in dishonesty and hypocrisy. There can only be one true husband or wife.
Yes you should have only one true husband or wife
But will you always have only one opinion, or one feeling, or only understanding of your husband or wife?
If, as you live together, and get to know the person better, and as you yourself mature, will changing your opinion (or the better or worse or neutral) of your husband or wife, make your marriage any less valid?
If, as you get to know your spouse better, understand him/her differently, does that make your commitment less valid?
If you feel angry with your spouse one day, loving on another, sympathetic on yet another, irritated on another, does that mean you love your spouse any more or less from day to day?
Can you claim to have full knowledge of your spouse on the wedding day itself?
similarly, can we ever claim to know God?
just because we listened to different opinions, and some of those changed our views, does that mean we believe any less?
There may be only one true God. Can we ever claim knowledge? is that being too arrogant?
If you subscribe to the Christian faith, remember the story of Job = )