On the Importance of Marriage

I was relooking at some of the pro & anti gay marriage arguments today, in light of obama’s statements. ( http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20026456-503544.html ) Am quite surprised to see what i see as one of the most key reasons, missing in much of the debates.

In the past i often viewed marriage as symbolic, especially in today’s day and age where both parties are quite financially n socially independent, for most couples.

Then, very recently, when my partner was telling me about being posted overseas, it struck me how important a legally recognised marriage was

If i followed, i’d be consciously setting back my career and hence earning power.

If i followed without being married, and my partner was unfaithful or dumped me or anything, there’ll be no recourse for me, the way married wives have

That’s assuming i can even follow her at all, because there’s no such thing as a dependant pass for non-spouses in that Asian country so i’ll have to be able to find work there independantly, or she has to be financially able to support me.

We’re lucky that we’re in the position to do either. But there would be so many people for whom this option is not available, because they don’t meet certain educational qualifications internationally-mobile jobs look for. Even for us, we are keenly aware of how privileged we are that she has a job that enables her to get a PR  here instead of a Work Permit, or else we would either have to break up at the end of her contract or I would have to take a huge pay cut working in a neighbouring country.

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Traditionally, fathers made sure daughters were properly married, precisely so that the other party could not “take advantage” of their daughters. 30 years ago, when my Dad(or rather, future-Dad, at that point) told his girlfriend(now my Mom) that he’d been posted to Jakarta to work, and asked if she would go along with him. My mom replied that if he wanted her to follow him, he’ll have to marry her first. He promptly took her to ROM of course. Today, i don’t have that option, because i’m of the wrong gender, apparently.

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It seems like the legal enforcement of marriage responsibilities kinda got lost, in all these talk of gender equality. But the fact remains that romantic relationships are not like business relationships — many relationships simply are not made up of financial/social equals. Sure, marriage facilitates the joint-ownership of HDB flats, getting Baby Bonuses, getting insurance benefits, getting to see your partner in ICU after an accident. Yet, in a strange, ironic sense, what really necessitates marriage as a legal institution, for both gay & straight couples is not the legal convenience it provides during marriage, but the protection it provides at the end.

Gay is NOT = Paedophile

My dad is, in general, someone who believes in equality for all races, religions and sexual orientations.

Yet the other day, I overheard him  telling my brother to be careful cos there are all kinds of people these days ……. These gay men in all the catholic churches , all  the gay priests.

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It seems like these days, secularists blame the Catholic Church, religious faithful blame gay people (And yes, I realise i’ve just committed the same crime of generalisation and hence have turned secularists, faithful and gay people against me with a single sentence! so i should qualify and say that it’s the media that seems to portray that. Hmmm have I made an enemy out of the media people too???shucks.)

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At the end of the day, this is  a matter of respecting people’s freedom to believe in whatever they choose, and to love whoever they want; it is about protecting people from being abused, about bringing justice to those who have violated others while not unjustly categorising the innocent together with the guilty. All at once.

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The guilt of the abusers do not lie with the Catholic Church & followers, neither does it lie with gay people.

The guilt lies with

- the individual people who abused the trust of the Church, the followers, and the children

- the individual people who turned a blind eye to justice and covered up the crimes

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Just as there are heterosexual abusers and heterosexual good people, there are also homosexual abusers and homosexual good people. Within any institution or setting or organisation, we need to ask if the loopholes allow easy exploitation by either heterosexual or homosexual abusers (ie. individual people seeking opportunities to abuse victims)

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We also need to recognise the RESPONSIBILITY that ALSO lies with

- the government and law enforcement officers, whose job is to protect the citizens of all race, religion, age, etc, rather than to protect the image and sanctity of institutions

- the citizens, whose responsibility it is to call governments and institutions to question and checks

- the families, whose responsibility it is to believe in and protect their children, rather than seemingly incorruptible institutions of any kind.

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This means that everyone of us is responsible for ensuring such abuses do not happen in our local institutions.

Responsibility belongs to all.

But guilt, belongs only to the guilty.

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In many of these countries eg. Ireland, the government and people’s preference to protect the image of the Church had resulted in the delays and obstruction of justice for decades. The disbelieve on the part of parents made victims of their own children over and over again.

How can we have a good LGBT-Faith group dialogue : Your views please?

I received a comment asking what I think LGBT groups would want in and out of a faith-LGBT dialogue.

Before I impose my own 2-cents worth on everybody, I’ll like to invite you, my readers, to give your views?

So to everybody out there : LGBT, straight, health-freaks, conservatives,liberals, Christians, Buddhists, (all other religions), humanists etc etc

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May I invite you to generously share your views on all or some of these questions please:

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1. What do you think should be the objective(s) of a constructive LGBT-Faith dialogue ?
(eg, To change the minds of the ‘other’ camp? To clear up factual misconceptions? To show that we’re all humans and can be friends? To negotiate positive terms of engagements?)

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2. What are some specific items you’ll like to include in this dialogue?
(eg, medical perspectives of sexuality? the laws of different countries? history? doctrine? etc)

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3. Who do you think should be present at the dialogue?
(eg. doctors? lawyers? children? christians? people of different faiths? etc?)

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4.  I respect your anonymity. However, perhaps you could share the perspective/angle you’re coming from, and tell us, What would you like people to know about you?
(eg. how you feel? struggles you had growing up? etc)

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5. What would you like to learn through this dialogue?  or learn ABOUT through this dialogue?

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6. Would you participate in this dialogue? why/why not? In what capacity?
(eg. as a dialogue participant? as a facilitator? as a factual info provider? as an audience? etc)

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7. What are the necessary preconditions needed for a successful, constructive dialogue?
(eg. What attitudes? What safeguards? etc)

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8. Any other thoughts you’ll like to share, or hear from others, on LGBT-faith dialogues?

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I’m really looking forward to hear your thoughts, ideas, opinions.

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If anyone would like to organise anything, feel free to share too, I’ll be happy to be involved/help in anyway I can!

THANK YOU!!!!

Sex. Religion. Politics

http://www.fridae.com/newsfeatures/2010/02/18/9670.police-reports-lodged-against-singapore-pastor-over-offensive-gay-and-lesbian-remarks

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I’m going to put forth a provocative thought here :

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I think that religious leaders need Comprehensive Sexuality Education. Why are interfaith dialogues all about polite rituals still? You know what people say about the kids doing It anyway, whether adults are acknowledging it? I say the same thing about interfaith dialogues. The masses and pastors are already talking about faith and sex. Isn’t it high time the Inter Religious Council sits down with the Pink Dot?

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Perhaps this is an opportunity for the Pink Dot to be the bigger person and make the first move, invite the IRC to dialogue.

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People have commented , how can we do anything for people who legally don’t exist? or how can we, as people who cannot legally exist, do anything?

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Well I say this,

You don’t have to an animal to campaign for animal rights.

You don’t have to be a tree to campaign for environmental protection.

You don’t have to be a child to campaign against child abuse

so

You don’t have to be LGBT to campaign for LGBT rights

You don’t have to be atheist to campaign for secularism

You don’t have to be religious to campaign for interfaith respect

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It isn’t criminal to have compassion

It isn’t immoral to have a sense of justice

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It’s really sad when we’ve to resort to using ISD threats and police reports

It’s really sad when other religions and marginalised people must be insulted to get your flock to heaven.

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Education and dialogue.

Can we at least give it a try?

HIV – Knowing YOUR real risk

Lots of HIV figures you see in the newspapers are national averages. What you DON”T know, but SHOULD be looking at, are the rates amongst the sub-groups you are having sex with.

‘Cos by averaging the cases across the entire country’s huge population, the HIV rates looks less scary, the countries don’t look so bad. High risk sub-groups are where most of the HIV cases are concentrated in.

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Your risk :

In Asia, MSM (Men who have Sex with Men) are disproportionately affected by HIV. HIV prevalence amongst MSM in Bangkok estimated at 28%. If you went to Bangkok and had unprotected sex with 3  men who have sex with men, at least 1 of them could be HIV+.
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In Sg,  >90% of HIV+ are male.  1/4 these men are/were married. >90% females are/were married. (See diagram)

What does this mean?

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It means that if you (female or male, married or not) are having sex with a MSM, the statistics alone put you at much higher risk.

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If you’re having anal sex, (female or male), the biology puts you at a much higher risk.

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If you think you can get away by having a young girl or boy, that’s the stupidest assumption to ever make in your life. Yes, even if you’re straight.

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In Asian cities where the sex workers don’t ask for condoms, half of them can be HIV+. In Batam, 1 in 6 sex workers have HIV. And because people presume younger sex workers are less risky, more people go for the young ones. Hence, HIV prevalence amongst the teen sex workers can be MORE than DOUBLE that amongst those above 20yrs old.

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In Sg, ~50% the HIV infections detected only in the late stage. This means that there are probably many more HIV+ people who are very healthy, unaware of their status, and transmitting it if they’re having unprotected sex.

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That means you could unknowingly spread it to your wife, and by the time you fall ill, it’s been 5 years too late.

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Your life as a consequence

In Dec08, we thought HIV was going to be treated like any other chronic diseases, and generic drugs subsidised (http://mathialee.wordpress.com/2008/12/02/say-yes-to-aids-treatment-subsidies/ )

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( Health Minister Khaw Boon Wan told The Straits Times he agreed with the view that HIV should be treated ‘like any chronic disease’. ‘The committee of experts will apply the same approach as they do when evaluating drugs for other diseases. We should not single out HIV for special treatment,’ he said. …..  Health Minister asked the Communicable Diseases Centre (CDC) to draw up a list of drugs that should be eligible for subsidies. http://app.mfa.gov.sg/pr/read_content.asp?View,11626,  Full Report in Comments)

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Over the weekend,  we learn that HIV treatments are NOT going to be subsidized. They can now be funded by Medifund.

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(Offering subsidies for all patients could “open a floodgate”, he noted. While previous media reports pointed to the ministry subsidising HIV medication, MOH told MediaCorp on Friday: “Minister Khaw Boon Wan and MOH did not commit in 2008 to subsidising HIV medication.” “Our stand in 2008 was that HIV should be considered like any other chronic disease when evaluating the suitability of providing subsidies for medications.” “MOH has chosen to use the Medifund route to more flexibly help HIV patients with their bills, including that for anti-retroviral drugs if needed. Doing so allows available funds to be focused to provide appropriate amounts of assistance to the most deserving cases.”  http://www.todayonline.com/Print/Singapore/EDC100116-0000124/Medifund-to-help-needy-Sporeans-who-require-HIV-treatment )

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This means that you still have to fork out ~$1200 of your salary each month for HIV treatments. That’s if you keep your job, because there are no laws protecting your job. It means that this (http://mathialee.wordpress.com/2008/11/11/living-with-hiv-in-singapore/ ) could still be your life. When you get to a desperately poor stage however, you can now use Medifund.  Or you can still go to Thailand to get 3-months supply at a time for $100-200 at anytime.

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What’s my point? What can you do?.

My point is that, please, just NEVER have unprotected sex. ALWAYS use a condom. Condoms are 99% protective, when used 100% of the time, correctly.

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Please remember, HIV is NOT like other Chronic Diseases (and will NOT be treated as one, in terms of subsidies too).

Why?

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One cigarette won’t give you lung cancer. One fatty MacDonald’s meal won’t give you a heart attack. One huge glass of coke won’t give you diabetes. You have to screw up again and again, over years and years, by smoking and eating/drinking unhealthily.  

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But HIV is different.

You can do the right thing 99.9% of the time. Use a condom 99% of the time. Be faithful 99% of the time. Probably even abstain 99% of the time.

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But just one slip-up. One mistake. One moment of carelessness when you were drunk.

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Just ONCE. And that’s enough. HIV infection is not something you accumulate through years of casual unsafe sex. It’s something you get in a single sex session.

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And for that you pay. You pay with your health, your dignity, and your finances. 

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While the guy next door who ate char kway teow for 50 years and now has a stroke lies in the C class ward with loads of subsidies and sympathy.  

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Life is not fair. The world is not fair. People are not fair.

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So don’t let yourself down. You’re the only one who can take care of yourself. Please stay safe, always use a condom (yes, 1 condom, not 2) .

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( I would love to ask you to help spread this message.  However, be warned: there will be people who will accuse you of encouraging homosexuality or a gay lifestyle or immorality.  Since male homosexuality is against the law, you may be accused of abetting a criminal act. You may lose your friends.)

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( Sources: WHO Best Practices publication “HIV and Men who have Sex with Men in Asia and the Pacific”.
-J Infect. 2006 Oct;53(4):255-9. Epub 2005 Dec 27.
-AIDS. 2000 Dec 1;14(17):2731-40.
- MOH http://www.moh.gov.sg/mohcorp/statistics.aspx?id=246 )

How do you know if you’re straight or gay/les/bi? — I’m ASKING

This post & any subsequent comments  is hereby rated NC(16) for homosexual content, for the sake of the conservatives out there.

Now this has nothing, ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with ANYBODY”s sex ed program. If you can’t read on and without thinking “OMG!! What are they teaching in schools today!” , then please do NOT read on.

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I’ve always been curious to ask, but somehow never got the opportunity to ask. Despite being able to talk about sexual health infront of hundreds, I can’t bring myself to ask these questions of many people, because it makes us all so awkward and uncomfortable!!! And I never get the truth anyway — to much social stigma!

You see, while i could easily get the standard definitions, that’s not what I want at all. I want REAL stories and REAL experiences. PEOPLE”s different lives and realities.

It just occurs to me however, that my blog takes anonymous comments, so there is the chance I might get honest answers here , since you can remain anonymous!

 

So, my questions are:

1. How do you know what your sexual orientation is? (ie, how do you know you are heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual) ?

2. How does it FEEL(re  sexual feelings)  to be heterosexual/ homosexual/bisexual ? How do you view male people? How do you view female people?

3. For the Heterosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the SAME sex, and an UGLY member of the opposite sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?

For the Homosexuals: Between a gorgeous member of the OPPOSITE sex, and an UGLY member of the SAME sex, who would you pick for sex (if you HAD to pick)?

For the Bis: Answer both the above please?

 

4. Did you ever have a sexual experience or fantasy ( which is it?)  about a member of the same sex? Opposite sex? (What sexual orientation do you identify with? )

 

5. Are you open about your sexual orientation? Why or why not? What do you think determined your sexual orientaion?

 

I’m really excited to read about personal stories and experiences — moral preachers, please go somewhere else, thank you.

I *MIGHT* answer these questions too —- if I do, you can be sure i’ll be one of the anonymous commenters! ; )

CSE — it’s about SAVING LIVES

I’m glad for the chance to defend the claim that I’ve been promoting homosexuality, as evidenced by my previous blog post where I say

“What do we teach about homosexuality?

We don’t impose our views. In the first 2 sessions, we explore view points by asking the students what they think. Our aim is to open up students to the fact that there are many different views, and to open up their minds to all these different views so that they can think about it, and make their own choices based on their own personal values..”

The claim has been made here http://wherebearsroamfree.blogspot.com/2009/04/so-aware-was-front-for-promotion-of-gay.html

Here below, I copy-and-paste the comment I left on their blog :

 

Hi,

Thank you so much for commenting on my blog. Although I don’t quite understand or agree with your views, I’m glad that you’ve chosen to debate and discuss it. That’s what AWARE tries to do — both within AWARE, and in our CSE classes.

 

Now if I were to take a leaf out of the New Exco’s book, I’ll hack into your blog and replace it with my own post, and then blame you for not being vigilant enough against hackers = )

 

I think many arguements for and against both our views have been raised here.

 

All I’ll like to say, from my own personal point of view is this.

 

If I could save the life of just one gay person or one straight person from HIV infection, because he/she remembered my words and decided to use a condom, I would feel I have lived my life well.

 

I’ll rather stand at the gates of heaven, and say “I’ve lived my life well, because I prevented someone from dying of AIDS”
than say “I’ve lived my life well, because I prevented someone from turning gay”